Okay I got these funny phrases off of a Facebooks “Status Shuffle” I took a whole nap time and looked through a lot of them and these were the ones I thought were the funniest. So If you put my name or yours J in front of some of them they will make more sense. If you need a laugh take some time and read these. I was on the phone with my sister through a lot of these and we were laughing so hard.
-Someone better stop passing out the stupid pills cause people are over-dosing on them really bad.
- Standing in line at wal-mart and has come to the conclusion that I’m the only one wearing a bra.
-Be quite or I’ll light the fuse on your tampon
-Your just jealous because I can trip over flat surfaces and you can’t
-finally got her meds refilled…it’s safe to come out now.
-My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on".
-guess what! guess what! guess what! no never mind i forgot
-I don't have ADHD I have ADOLS. Attention Deficit Oh Look Skittles!
-was just trapped on the escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
-has come to realize that stupid people are put on this earth to keep everyone else entertained.
-thinks that laughing until your stomach hurts is one of life's Feel Good Moments!
-likes Santa's presents a whooooole lot better than Mother Nature's presents!
-"I'm the girl who can watch tons of horror movies and not get scared but scream at the top of my lungs when toast pops out the toaster"
-Says ... i tried to talk to the voices inside mi head but they yelled at me and told me to shut up.. i scared now!!
-ahhhhh monster... oh it was my sister
-..saw the invisible rainbow unicorn run through the wall and thought well... if she can do it why cant I?? I soon found out why...
-is wondering why no matter how hard you pinch the skin on your elbow, it doesn't hurt. I know your trying it. weird huh . . .
-has something very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very IMPORTANT to say... do u want to know... r u sure... REALLY!! Okay i will tell u...HI!!
-is printing counterfeit monopoly money.
-3 facts,1 you can't lick your elbow 2you just tried it 3 you're smiling 'cause i caught you!!!
-I'm not random I'm just.. OMG do you like tacos?
-have you ever had one of those days when you have looked at your housework and decided to go out for the day instead!
-When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!
-Working on my daily morning dose of enthusiasm...will try again later, it's still to early yet
- i just realized OK is a sideways person
-when i walk into wal-mart i go to the ball section and i pick up a ball a chant "pikachu !! i choose you!!" and i throw it at someone.!
-well your just about as pointless as a white crayon
-when you lose something why do people say, "It will be in the last place you look"? no crap! I wont be looking for it anywhere else after I find it!
-Why is it a man can kill a deer with a bow & arrow 5 football fields away, but fail to hit the toilet?
-Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.
- I might be crazy, but you're stupid...and medicine doesn't fix that!
-Sometimes I like to sit far away and squish people between my fingers!
-Stupid people should be fitted with a shock collar and smart people should have the remotes :) Maybe then we can teach them to act a little more intelligent.
-Today I was eating at Subway when a woman asked an employee how long the six-inch was.
-I detest RUDE people! What is so wrong with the words- Excuse me, Please, Thank you, Pardon me?
-thinks there's a lot people out there that deserve to have Bill Engvall walk up to them and say "Here's Your Sign"!!
-Who can resist a private smirk when some rude person speeds past you on the road just to end up beside you at the same red light?
-Multitasking= being able to screw up several things at the same time
-Lighting doesn't strike the same place twice ... So do me a favor .. Move a little to the left!
-At first I thought you were giving me dirty looks, but then I realized... it must just be your face!
-Why do we turn down the radio in the car when we think we smell something? Yep...you know you're so laughing right now because you've done it too!!!
-wonders if anyone else has road rage when pushing a cart through the aisles at Wal-Mart?
-Your kid... mom,mom,mom,mom, MOMMY,MOMMY,MOMMY,MOMMY, (for the past ten minutes) you ask them what!?.. "hi"
-You want me to get out of your bubble? *poke* I just popped your bubble..WHAT NOW??!
-It is OK to talk to yourself. It is OK to answer ones self. But when you ask yourself a question and you say HUH? THAT'S when you have to worry!
-if you know you were pulled over for a DWI move over to the passenger seat, Buckle up, Look the officer right in the eye and say "Officer, she was just there."
- I'm not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said '100% Recycled'.
-is going to go to walmart and Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while I pick my nose.
-thinks that no matter what your job position is, working in retail simply means cleaning up after rude people and answering stupid questions! WTF
- Laundry is so racist because you have to separate the whites from the darks xD
-sometimes wonders if men believe in a magical toilet-paper-roll-changing fairy.
-Every 1's entitled 2 B stupid..... but
-It seems common sense isn't all that common after all!
-DANG!!! You weren't hit with the ugly stick...You were hit with the entire frigging tree! Did it hurt?
-i refuse to enter into battle of wit with the likes of you, its against my morals to attack an unarmed person.
-Don't you wish stupid people had a sign they were required to carry just to give the rest of us fair warning?
- I guess today's to do list was written in disappearing ink. Because I had the best of intentions on completing absolutely everything on it and nothing got done.
-Does anyone else seem to have those life moments where you want to just pause and shout " PLEASE...SERIOUSLY?!"
-birdy, birdy in the sky, y u do that in my eye? big and white, and taste like sap. oh my gosh! its birdy crap!
-wonders if she can get away with running around hitting people with sticks and yelling "it doesn't matter its in the past"
-HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep u from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!
-The Skort, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your butt.
-the person who said "HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD" should be taken out and shot with tampons
-is usually a very sweet person, but today I have P.lease don't M.ake me S.lap you syndrome, be warned
-Real girls aren't prefect, perfect girls aren't real!
-"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land feet first, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?"
-this stupid fish keeps trying to eat my worm on my fishing pole. who wants to help me drown it?!?
- If i got 1 cent for every blond moment i had, i would be a billionaire by now
- is trying to put M and M's in alphabetical order!
-Has now completed her puzzle in 2 days , very happy because it say 2years+ on the box :D
-OMG The computer knows my name LOOK.. scarrry stuff!!
- A blond walks by the orange juice if u come back an hour later shes still there because it says "concentrate."
-I just Tripped over a cordless phone
- Blondie - OMG I CANT FIND MY PHONE!! hold on mom I'll call u back.
-i do not have A.D.D i just... oh look a chipmunk! what was i talking about
-I'm a blond and I'm not dumb in fact I'm so talented I can trip UP the stairs and I can trip on FLAT SURFACES so take that! :D x
-i tried to bury a worm alive... it didn't work :(
-Thinks she's talented. Only I can throw a ball at the ground and miss!
-is MAD because her computer keeps telling her she's got mail but when she checks her mailbox its empty!!
-just sorted strawberries by color!
-The meaning of crazy is NOT talking to yourself... or even ANSWERING yourself... It's asking yourself to repeat what you just said cuz you didn't pay attention.
-Thought she'd gone deaf - but that's just the sound of the kids in bed!
-hears "POP..POP..POP.." then giggles because she likes bubble wrap
-is going to go to walmart and Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here.
-abcd LSD...gummy-bears are chasing me...first ones yellow...second ones blue...last ones screaming, "I'LL KILL YOU!!" abcd LSD...gummy-bears are chasing me
-if you hear over the radio that there is a psycho on a tricycle throwing skittles at pedestrians telling them to taste the rainbow, don't worry its only me :)
-If you fall, I'll catch you. If I miss and you do a face plant on the ground...I'll laugh.
-So, apparently...it is severely frowned upon to open a bag of skittles in the store and pelt your fellow customers with them, while yelling "Taste the Rainbow!"
-rawr...I'm a squirrel : )
-is going to walmart and Walk up to complete strangers and say, Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!. etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment
-ever wonder if the two birds sitting on the wire starring towards your house is talking about you.
-is currently disguised as a responsible adult!!
- I stepped on a cornflake today! So I am a cereal killer now!
-wonders if its bad when I'm talking to myself and I'm not even listening
-I'm a little teapot short and stout, here's my handle and here's my handle, oh bugger I'm a sugar bowl!!
-has ADOS. . . Attention Deficient Ooooh Shiny! Lol
-they don't know we know they know we know...wait what?
-I have not lost my marbles, were just playing hide and seek and there winning.
-Someone once told me that if you hold a shell to your ear you can hear the ocean. If you hold a peanut shell to your ear, can you hear the circus ?
-is going to go to walmart and When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?
-So if olive oil is made of olives, corn oil is made of corn, and vegetable oil is made of vegetables...what about baby oil???
-Can someone tell the pink polka-a-dotted frogs to stop looking at me in that tone of voice!?
-whoever said the bathroom is the only alone time you get with children apparently never had kids pounding on the door wanting in or fingers under the door...
-Wonders skinny people go skinny dipping so does that mean fat people go chunky dunking ?
-A good friend would bail you out of prison But a true friend would be sat next to inside saying "WOW THAT WAS FUN"
-WARNING: May trip suddenly over nothing at all
-is going to go the walmart and Drape a blanket around my shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin to the Bat-cave.
-Remember when running away from a bear you don't have to be the fastest You just have to trip your friend
-My alarm clock and I had a fight. It wanted me to get up, I refused. Things escalated. Now I'm awake and my alarm clock is broken. Not sure who won the fight.
